on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
