How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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