i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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