Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
