at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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