I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
