I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
