I haven't been this sober since birth.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
