I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
