When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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