Umm I'm too high to move.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize