I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize