so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She bit a glass in half.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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