watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
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