She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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