I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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