Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
