went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
When are your genitals available?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
