you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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