I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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