My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I can't turn off my feet"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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