i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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