Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
They should really pass out barf bags in church
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Randomize
