my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
