Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
