i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
