I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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