Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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