You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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