I'll bet she douches with gravy.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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