She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
