GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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