u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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