just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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