She told me I should be a condom model.
did i walk over a car last night?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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