i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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