Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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