I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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