I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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