I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
