marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
