I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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