I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
