I wish I only lived at night.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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