White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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