A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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