Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
