When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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