I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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