put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
