you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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