NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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