You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
