my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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