i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
