sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
