I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
