Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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